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Robinson's Guide to Richmond (1833)


Part 20

More poetry

As a contrast to these touching stanzas, the reader is presented with the following humorous verses, addressed by a lively old lady to her Cousin, COLONEL (afterwards LORD) HARRIS on his return to England after his victory over Tippoo Sultan. The latter part would, of course, be most interesting to the parties concerned, but as the piece really seems too good to be mutilated, it is thought best to give it entire.


Dear Colonel, in London, I beg you won't stay, 
But to Richmond, post haste, with all speed come away; 
Nor sigh with regret when you leave the great city, 
For here, 1 can promise you many things pretty.

Without doors, the prospects are fine, all allow;
And why they are so, 1 will just tell you how;
But, ere 1 proceed, I'll convince you they're fine,
On the strength of a judgment superior to mine;
When Lord Newark was here, he declared in a hurry,
That Richmond in Yorkshire, beat Richmond in Surrey.

Here are Hills for high-minded, and values for low,
Thro' which old Swale's waters delightfully flow;
Here are forces and mills, and meadows so green,
And the finest of Cattle that ever were seen,-
I should like 'em much more, if I fear'd not their horns.
Here are Streets, but not pleasant to those who have corns.

On the top of a mount, stands a Castle sublime,
Though 't has suffer'd indeed, from the teeth of old time.
Three abbeys from thence you may see with your eyes,
In a state which all true Antiquarians most prize,
For in many parts, not a stone stands on another,
And one turret nods rounds in vain for a brother.
A most beautiful Steeple, ('twas built for the Friars,)
Which no one e'er sees, but he greatly admires:
Two Churches, a Church Yard, a Parsonage, a School House,
Where the boys study latin, and how they may rule us. 
Here's a Play-house, a Bowling-green, Assemblies, Card Meeting,
Horse Races, Militia, and a Club for Tripe eating; 
And some people say, you'll not taste better Ale, 
'Twixt the banks of the Ganges and those of the Swale.

For Companions here's people of various conditions; 
Parsons, Lawyers, Apothecaries, Priests, and Physicians:
Here are Gentlemen too, which some say the best trade is
And plenty of every description of Ladies. 
Here's a Widow of ninety, will give you a hugging, 
And Ringers who long at the ropes to be tugging.

Three miles out of town lies the sweet vale of Gilling, 
Which often to visit I'm sure you'll be willing,
For there's Lakes,* and there's Ruins, there's Forests and geeses;*
A kind loving Sister, and six Nephews and Nieces; 
Who long to embrace you with welcomes most hearty, 
And your presence, your Honor, will rejoice the whole party.

So much for abroad; and now in your house, 
Here's a little black Cat that won't suffer a mouse:
Two Maids, who for scrubbing and cooking, and such useful labours,
'Will not turn their backs to the best of their neigbours.
Here's a plump rosy Girl, full of frolic and glee,
And a nice little Miss, as you'd e'er wish to see.
Here shall meet you a couple of sturdy rude Boys,
Who will stun you with questions, and jumping, and noise,
And to sum up the whole, here's your old loving Cousin,
Who longs to salute you with kisses a dozen.

* Some of our readers will recollect the "Gilling Water," which by the partent of poetic license, are here ennobled into a Lake.

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